The last time I saw James

As an introvert I struggle with making plans with people. Never with James. While there’s always a nagging voice convincing me that spending time alone is superior, I never felt that way with James. An opportunity to spend time with James was always the least anxious social engagement I could hope for.

When James suggested we hang out that weekend, I quickly agreed and plans were made to go to Rochester.

On Saturday, I got the train at around 11:30 to get me into Gravesend at 12:00 so we could drive to Rochester together.

James was there when I arrived, and we set off. In Rochester it took us a while to park up but finally managed to find a spot. When we got out of the car, I gave James a big hug and there was an incident where he realised he left his car on when we already walked towards town. There was also a conversation around whether or not he should bring a coat, which I confidently said “it won’t rain” (it did later! Oops)

We decided we’d have some lunch first and we got an outside table at the Cheese Room. Of course it started raining so we decided to go somewhere else (And I decided to leave my bag!) We ultimately ended up going to the worst pub I ever went to - The George Vaults. I had a pot pie and James had two starters: A ham hock terrine and some squid.

We caught up on family, and how he settled in his new role (we had previous conversations around setting boundaries at the beginning of a new role and he updated me on how he manages to stick to clear times!). We also spoke about how he wished to live a simpler life on a farm somewhere and discussed some plans that were discussed with Simon. I was excited to hear he was seemingly positive about what life had in store. At one point he asked me about whether he should teach me how to knit. I’m actually not quite sure how I responded. I had tried knitting before and didn’t think I could ever do what James did.

Throughout the afternoon, he was asking me about air fryers as he was receiving blow by blow updates on something his dad was cooking that afternoon. He felt intrigued by the concept of air fryers. Me, less so. 🙂

When we finished, I paid and he allowed it only on the condition that he gets dessert. I was happy, because it meant, i got to spend more time with him (I sometimes need clues like that to understand people enjoy having me around - a learned behaviour from my childhood). We left the pub and decided to go to the charity shops. We went to Oxfam and some antiques. And in BHF I then realised I had left my bag at the cheese room (thankfully it was still there).

Maybe I should have know something wasn’t quite right with James when he allowed me to pick up this questionable shirt without flinching:

I also found an elBulli cookbook that I picked up.

Finally we ended up in a store called “Store 104” which he had visited before. It’s a great shop that sells books, knitting and sewing supplies and has a sweet little cafe at the back.

initially we looked at the knickknacks in the front of the store (I was impressed they stocked Tony’s Chocoloney) and we sampled some perfume oils. His favourite was the one with Saffron, Orange and Cedar (I have since purchased a vial)

We went into the knitting section, had a brief browse and left again. We didn’t take any selfies that day, at least, I didn’t. But this was a photo from that day

(Yes, I’m a massive leftie, sorry Simon!)

We left and decided to pick up a dessert on the way to his flat. I told him how much I’d love for him to meet my friend Leila. I told him she’s an actor and he was curious what that life is like. I also expressed concern how Leila and Simon may get on (seeing as she’s a leftie like me!)- we both laughed about that.

We went to a BHF to check out coffee tables for him. We couldn’t find one. At M&S they didn’t have good desserts left, so I picked up a ginger shot (the one that has Cayenne) and asked if he wanted one. He never had one and said he’d like to try. His face made it obvious, he hated it (sorry James!).

We picked up cookies and ice cream at Morrisson’s and he also picked up some Spring Greens, which he explained to me, he usually snacks on. James also needed some new coffee beans and I told him about my favourite roaster Ozone. In my head I was planning to surprise him with some beans (or a coffee tasting day!). He picked up Costa beans and we went to his.

On route home, he expressed how hard he finds it to find a tree branch (for his newest hobby Macrame) online. I laughed and said- ”you can just get a tree branch from the forest”. He was baffled and said “Are you allowed to just pick one up?”. I assured him, I’ll get him one. (We laughed about it later via text)

At his house we prepared the cookies and ice cream.

I took this photo when we cleared his flat.

We sat down in the living room and chatted more, I asked him about knitting projects and we spoke a lot about new plants he bought and got from Claire. He was worried he’d kill them, I suggested the Planta iOS app to him. We spoke about his Xbox and which games he played most recently. Inspired by my friend Lowell (it always makes me feel so special when he asks me), I asked him to show me some of the games he is playing. He avoided it and I got the feeling, wrongly or rightly, I had probably overstayed my welcome. James was quieter now, while it still felt comfortable, I got the feeling he wanted to move on with his day (this may have been my brain that constantly feels a burden sending wrong signals!). I said I’d make my way home and after apologising for not driving me to the station (“it’s so hard to park around here”), I left to catch my train back to Woolwich.

While still on my way back, he messaged to say this:

And I replied:

I wish I had stayed longer. This was the last time James and I communicated.

On that god awful Sunday I thought about inviting him to go to Oxleas Woods to pick a tree branch. I will forever regret I didn’t.

I will forever miss those moments with James.